My top tips to manage grief.
By Danielle Phillips
Since the immensely difficult couple of years after which my parents died, there are a few ways I found that helped me still feel connected to them as well as keep functioning in the healthiest ways possible. Here are my top 7 tips:
Keep taking their advice.
Remember all those suggestions and advice your loved one gave you when they were still around? Those gold nuggets that helped us avoid drama, even if we were determined to take risks at our own peril? It could be “remember to wear sunscreen or you’ll burn” or “it’s the hours of sleep before midnight that matter the most”.
Just because they aren’t physically here to give you advice anymore, it doesn’t mean you can’t put into place all the advice they did give you when they were alive. For me it was advice from my Dad about maintaining muscle strength that really stuck with me. I distinctly remember him warning me: “if you don’t use it you’ll lose it”. I recall clearly Dad giving me that advice when my Mum fell ill with corticobasal degeneration. He was adamant that because Mums physical activity in her younger years was minimal (by choice) it resulted in a faster deterioration of Mums muscle memory and strength. So, when my parents died, the first thing I did to keep feeling connected to their parental advice and guidance was signing up to the gym and Pilates. I really dislike exercise. I find it boring and I working up a sweat. I much prefer being mentally stimulated or…just zoning out to a few episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
But these days whenever I just don’t feel like exercising or improving my muscle memory, I hear those words gifted to me by Dad all those years ago, and so I will myself to get on that spin bike and picture that they are there in the class with me. That’s what I call motivation from beyond the grave!
Pilates.
From the moment I began Pilates I knew it was good for the body and soul. I never have been a fan of exercise and all the panting and sweating that comes with it, just in case you didn’t pick up on that in point 1 above. But Pilates was different, because on some days most of the exercises are done laying down! You also learn how to breathe properly to make the most of oxygenation in the body. So, if you’re like me with no kids, and never learnt Lamaze breathing, learning techniques to breathe properly through a Pilates workout is a great alternative. I like reformer Pilates held at Studio Pilates in North Adelaide but if that’s not convenient, they have about 50 studios Australia Wide that you can tap into. It’s a safe space where you can let your mind go or tune deeply into the gentle body movements helping you to work on mindfulness. Which brings me to my next point…
Mindfulness and Gratitude
Being mindful and having gratitude despite the difficult time you are going through, is sometimes the only thing that can help to lift the fog. Something that I found that helped me was to make a list each night of 5 things you are grateful for. It could be a series of small graces such as the taste of a really good cup of coffee you had that day or the nice feeling of a warm bath. The more you hone in and focus on gratitude for things big or small, the less space and time your mind will have to focus and ruminate on the dark places that grief can take you to. According to an article by Psychology Today, “when we express gratitude and receive the same, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin, the two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our emotions, and they make us feel ‘good’. They enhance our mood immediately, making us feel happy from the inside. By consciously practicing gratitude every day, we can help these neural pathways to strengthen themselves and ultimately create a permanent grateful and positive nature within ourselves.”
Mindfulness can work in similar ways and can often be mistaken for meditation. To understand more clearly about how mindfulness can benefit a person during bereavement, you can check out this article. I personally find mindfulness most achievable when I am out in nature. I also find that Lavendar oil helps me relax into mindfulness and in addition burning the Endota Spa signature oil at night helps me drift off.
Eating and drinking clean
At this point in time, your body has gone through a huge trauma; inside and out. While it’s easy to grab a chocolate bar from the fridge or packet of chips from the pantry, what your body needs right now is nourishment. And needless to say, reducing your alcohol intake immediately reduces the risk of depression and low mood. I recently underwent a program called The Meta Boost Connection after my Uncle died last month (Yep that’s right, the death of yet another very important person in my life). This grief hit differently for me, for so many reasons, but one that I have identified is that his passing represented the end of a family lineage. The last of my mother’s bloodline, so in essence the last of my blood connection to her. It was a complex grief layered with many old and new emotions. Having started to feel that I was going to those dark places that grief takes you, and surrendering to alcohol as a way of coping, I quickly realised that I had to reset my body inside and out to snap out of the unhelpful habits I was forming. Don’t get me wrong, I am not in any way suggesting that I was tapping out of grief, but I had to give myself the best chance to deal with the overwhelming sadness I was feeling. Whilst the program by Meredith Shirk – a certified personal trainer, weight loss and fitness nutrition specialist, is designed to achieve weight loss and speed up one’s metabolism, I didn’t embark on the program for either of these reasons. What I was really interested in was cleansing and clearing the toxic energy and stress induced inflammation in my body, by introducing superfoods and antioxidants into my diet. I truly believe and have learned through my own bereavement, the best chance your body has to cope in any sort of stressful and traumatic situation is by looking after your gut and other organs. By the 5th day I was able to better cope with my grief and the feelings of disbelief that I was experiencing. There are plenty of programs out there like this, but I wanted to share this one in particular as I can vouch for its effectiveness from personal experience.
Making to-do lists
Keeping on track in life is one of the hardest things to do when you are grieving. Focus is not easy to come by, but forgetfulness is guaranteed. According to Nicole Washington “Grief impacts us emotionally and physically. The intensity of this loss can lead to a symptom known as grief brain. When this happens, you may find yourself having trouble sleeping, concentrating, and remembering simple things.” The article “Understanding Grief Brain | Psych Central” goes on to say “Grief can rewire our brain in a way that worsens memory, cognition, and concentration. You might feel spacey, forgetful, or unable to make “good” decisions. It might also be difficult to speak or express yourself.”
The method that I found worked best to keep on top of the 3,259 things that I had going through my mind was, you guessed it, making lists. It was my duty to note down everything as it came to me. I could then come back to each item and prioritise what I needed to in a way that would most effectively allow me to work through tasks at my own pace. I also felt a sense of accomplishment when I was able to tick off items on by one knowing that I was making a dent in the list. And honestly, the list method kept my mind busy and useful, a way to take a break from the rumination on the loss of a loved on.
EMDR
According to the EMDR Institute, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychological treatment that aims to reduce distressing emotions associated with traumatic memories. I embarked on this therapy here in South Australia through Dianne Ervine at Counselling SA.
As an accredited Mental Health Social worker, Dianne specialises in Grief and Loss Counselling with experience in EMDR. Whilst the age-old Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is the go-to for most therapists and works for many patients, but when the trauma is as compounded and hard hitting as mine was, I needed a little “extra kick”. I am pleased to report that the therapy did work for me, in that it helped the traumatic thoughts move out of the way for some more peaceful perspectives to move in. Did you know you can speak to your GP about getting a mental health care plan to assist with covering or subsidising the costs of psychology services in Australia?
Live through their legacy
One way that I try to feel connected to my parents is to honor their legacies. My Dad was very passionate about “doing a job right the first time” and not being lazy. My Mum was very sustainable in terms of the way she lived. She was avoidant of food wastage; she was a good saver and only took what she needed.
So, whenever I set out to do a task, I am very determined and persistent to get it right and never give up. I don’t do a job “half-heartedly” because that’s simply not how Dad would do it. And believe me he could do and fix anything. I also try to repair things rather than throw them away, which also feeds into how Dad used to approach things and how Mum was naturally very sustainable in her approach to life.
I don’t overbuy food and groceries and if there’s enough and I never let food spoil or go to waste.
Dad was all about solutions and Mum was all about sustainability. Both concepts couldn’t be more important in my mind so I live by these mantras daily.
I hope these tips were of some help or comfort to anyone experiencing the trauma and hardships that come with losing a loved one.