Conversations to have before You die.
By Danielle Phillips
15th March 2024
After my own experience of losing my parents at the young age of 35, I can attest that one simply cannot afford mentally or emotionally (and financially) not to have certain conversations around death and what happens next when someone dies.
I am working with a client at the moment, who has engaged my services to assist with navigating and coordinating the processes around her late Brother’s estate. Her brother passed away with no will, no power of attorney, no advanced care directive and no instructions on how to manage his affairs or assets when he was no longer alive.
The process is made even more difficult when without a will, being granted probate becomes inapplicable, resulting in the next of kin having to apply to be an administrator of the estate rather than having been nominated by the deceased. This in itself can create unnecessary disharmony, combat and competitive behaviour between family and friends of the deceased.
I was however fortunate enough to have had parents that had a will in place containing explicit instructions around their estate management, as well as a power of attorney, and an end-of-life care directive, so that as the executor of the will and someone grieving the loss of a parent, I didn’t need to make overwhelming decisions. I also didn’t need to scrounge through copious amounts of paperwork, files, boxes or even engage with a solicitor to identify Mum and Dad’s assets and what their wishes were for these items once they had passed away. They had all these conversations with me when they were well and able which shielded me from a minefield of stressful situations that would have been unavoidable without their careful planning.
Inevitably, there was still about 200 hours’ worth of work for me to do with regards to wrapping up their estate, including making calls to Centrelink, visiting the bank to close accounts, engaging with real estate agents to sell property and liaising with buyers for their motor vehicles, albeit, I had to authority to do it all. I had the paperwork I needed which authorised me to make things happen. I had the opportunity to take control of a situation that can often leave families and friends feeling lost and depleted, because there was never a road map or instructions left for them to follow.
Some of the top conversations that we need to start having with each other no matter how old or young someone is, are around the following topics. I have also included nuggets of information to help you get started with links to some organisations that you may wish to start exploring a relationship with;
· The Question: Do you have a will or last testament in place?
This article best articulates the reasons to have will in place and what it enacts once someone has passed away. A great company that can assist with the preparation of a will is Safewill legal. They also provide an online portal where you can upload and securely store all of your relevant personal and identification documents for just $15 per year. These documents include drivers’ licences, bank details, superannuation details, funeral wishes, power of attorney documents and just about anything that you will need to access over the course of dealing with someone’s deceased estate.
Why ask the Question?
The pushback and resistance from government departments and major organisations such as banks and superannuation funds that occurs when there is no will, no probate and no legal authority to manage a person’s affairs, ultimately results in emotional and mental turmoil for the family left behind to quite bluntly, deal with the mess. Ask yourself, do you want to be responsible for leaving your family to deal with stress in an already difficult time?
How to start the conversation with a loved one?
“Just in case you don’t live forever, would you like some help with nominating a person or people to assist with managing your estate and affairs?”
· The Question: Have you appointed a Power of Attorney?
It is becoming more and more important to have a Power of Attorney in place particularly for those that have considerable assets. A Power of Attorney has the ability to make decisions on your behalf when you are unable to pertaining to the below:
· signing legally binding documents
· operating bank accounts
· paying bills
· buying and selling real estate
· managing investments
· collecting rent.
Why ask the Question?
Imagine having worked your whole life only to have properties fall into disrepair, having no one to be able to pay your medical bills on your behalf or not having an advocate to ensure you are placed in the best care affordable to you at the time you need.
How to start the conversation with a loved one?
We know you have always been so responsible with your assets and finances and we want to ensure they will continue to be managed well if you are unable to do so for any reason. Is there anyone you feel that you can trust to ensure your financial affairs are taken care of now or in the future?
· The Question: Have you thought about an Advanced Care Directive?
An ACD covers all the end of life wishes that you would like to have in place and formalises your advance care plan. The directive can contain all your needs, values and preferences for your future care and details of a substitute decision-maker. Directives include things like: palliative care, non-resuscitate and organ donation.
Why ask the Question?
In cases where there is no ACD in place, should you require to be resuscitated the default position of medical team is to do so. The risks of CPR are quite high and CPR has a very low success rate. The burdens and risks of CPR include damage to internal organs and rib fractures, and adverse clinical outcomes for the patient such as hypoxic brain damage or increased physical disability. If you become incapacitated and are unable to be fed other than with a feeding tube, would this be favourable or unfavourable to you? Are you passionate about being able to give the gift of life via organ donation? These are all choices that can be made and documented via your ACD ensuring you have total control over your end-of-life plan and how adverse outcomes of sudden illness can be managed. It is important to note however that with the introduction of the Voluntary Assisted Dying Act this cannot form part of your ACD.
How to start the conversation with a loved one?
“Have you ever thought about your preferences for organ donation or if you would wish to be resuscitated after a brain injury?”
· The Question: If you are no longer able to care for yourself, how and where do you wish to be cared for?
This question will often fall under the Advanced Care Directive, but isn’t always covered. Sometimes a person’s ill health will expedite so quickly that it can often be a rush to find the right care, whether it be in home, residential aged care, independent living units or hospice.
Why ask the Question?
With the ageing population in Australia, there are less and less beds available in aged care and hospice facilities, particularly for those with high care needs who cannot carry on living at home. I always recommend to my clients that they have some preferences in mind for which location they may be open to exploring should they need to move into an aged care or hospice facility. Think about proximity to family, visiting hours (Covid-19 has majorly impacted on access to aged care facilities), location to shops and local restaurants, and what kind of social and community services the location offers. Take the time to tour various facilities in advance, and in some cases, you can even try before you buy by taking up respite with some providers if you are eligible under Government Funding or a Home Care Package.
· The Question: Have you talked about applying for Government Funding Packages to allow you to remain at home as you age for as long as possible?
Often, I speak to people that have been caring for an ill or ageing family member at home with no assistance. Depending on a person’s level of care requirements they may be eligible for assistance with items such as showering, feeding, cooking, cleaning and medication administration. You can read more here about how you can apply for this funding. Navigating these aged care packages can be tricky to understand and there is an awesome organisation called See Me Aged Care that can walk you through the process every step of the way.
Why Ask the Question?
Trying to manage the care of a loved one at home with no medical assistance or financial support can put unnecessary pressure on both you and your loved one. It’s also possible to remain at home for a longer time than initially thought which in most cases is the preference for most ageing Australians.
How to start the conversation with a loved one?
“We’ve noticed change in your ability to manage the day to day living at home. Could we explore some potential assistance for you with cooking/cleaning/showering either now or for the future?”
· The Question: How would you like to be memorialised?
Your funeral is really your last hurrah and should be a reflection of your life. Have you thought about music, readings, poems and either a burial plot or cremation? Have you got any photos or memorabilia you would like displayed
Why Ask the Question?
Some burial sites need to be pre-purchased years in advance and as your final resting place, it’s an important consideration not to be overlooked to ensure you don’t miss out on your first preference
How to start the conversation with a loved one?
You’ve always loved listening to XYZ, enjoyed reading poems by XYZ, walks along the beach at XYZ. Are these things that you may like us to reflect on for your end of life memorial when that time comes?
· The Question: How would you like to spend your final days/hours?
Commonly, the best source of support for significant emotional support and guidance during a person’s last moments before death are provided by a Death Doula.
Some of the important items to consider during this extremely personal and sacred time is allowing space for families to come to peace with the journey and make room for moments they won’t forget.
Why Ask the Question?
Dealing with the end of life is as unique as we are, and death doulas honour the uniqueness and give the dying the opportunity to make decisions that suit, comfort and give them peace. They can help anticipate the family’s needs, can explain signs of death, discuss burial options and advance directives and most importantly, work with the dying to understand every detail of what they would consider their ideal end. But, more importantly, the role of a death doula provides emotional support that aged care, hospice or hospitals can overlook.
How to start the conversation with a loved one?
“Have you ever been curious about spiritual guidance options available to a person when they are approaching their end of life?
Some general conversation starter questions could be:
“For peace of mind for both of us, we need to talk about your end of life wishes”.
“You’re in good health right now, however, I want both of us to be prepared for the future”.
“So that we can focus on quality time together in life and to avoid becoming blindsided, should we talk about a plan for your end of life wishes?”
There is also a great organisation called Your Life Talks that offers “conversation starter cards” which you can purchase and personalise to assist you with how to start necessary conversations around death and end of life wishes. You can read more about this business and their products here.
In summary, the attitude for many may be “Once I’m gone, I don’t need to worry about my assets or liabilities” but it’s the people left behind that are faced with not just overwhelming grief, but an inhumane expectation of having to navigate a myriad of processes whilst blindfolded.
During the process of managing my parents deceased estate, I took inventory of all the items that I had to cover off. From closing utility accounts, to mail redirections, I ended up with a list of 55+ items to action.
Today, I offer a no obligation consultation to anyone wishing to have a conversation around all things “when a person dies” which can be had either before or soon after someone has passed away. You can learn more about the 55+ items that can be included for discussion during these sensitive conversations at www.sageexecutorsolutions.com.au
I truly hope this information is helpful as I take the responsibility of educating people about the importance of having conversations around death very seriously.
This is how I pay it forward.